The Windsors “think Meghan is a drama queen” who snoops on his phone … but she found Prince Harry’s friends sharing a sex tape of one of her friends, Harry could reply. She burns through up to $18,000 a week on clothes etc.; ah, but she certainly has glammed the joint up, her hubby could say. And now she wants him to give up alcohol, coffee and tea; right, it’s off to the Tower of London for her.
Doctoring photos: A physician looking at pictures of a pregnant Jessica Simpson guesses that the 5-foot-3 “star” now weighs 265 pounds (more of a “black hole”). If she ever corners this guy, well, she’ll probably eat him.
Cover: This one touts itself as the view from Meghan’s camp, and a cosy one it is: “She’s not a person you can actually be friends with,” says one, uh, defender. “She’s always been a very controlling person,” adds a certain … father of hers. The mag says her alleged social-climbing ways go at least as far back as her time in Toronto filming Suits, as though there could be anything about seven seasons on an unheralded basic-cable TV show that fails to address all of your life’s ambitions.
Binary star: Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. share the secrets to their 16-year marriage, including Freddie cooking breakfast for the family nearly “every single day.” Ah, that gift from the fates, an unemployed husband.
Bench pine: US touts upcoming TV including a shabby-looking six-part cable miniseries starring Chris Pine. Dude, aren’t you a movie star? Take a break and go make breakfast for Freddie’s kids.
Cover: Oh, COME ON. Despite the tabloid operatives for years poking holes in her condoms, swapping her birth-control pills with Tic Tacs, and hosing her compound with fertility drugs and genetic material, every Jen-Aniston-pregnant cover has proved to be lies. This time we MEAN it, says In Touch. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me 300 times …